Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair. no matter how big they are.
Edit: Obligatory "Wow, this blew up!" message. Thanks for all the awards!
To those calling this out as a repost, I wasn't aware but fair enough. My dad told it to me and he's chuffed that you all like it! And as far as I can see, this has brought a lot of laughter to a lot of folks.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought.”
I’m talking about Matthew 19:24 in which Jesus says that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven.
When I pointed this out to one of my conservative Christian friends, he suddenly claims the Bible isn’t to be taken literally in this passage.
He takes the virgin birth literally.
He takes the resurrection literally.
He takes the flood literally.
He takes all passages condemning gay people literally.
But the moment the Bible says that rich, greedy folks will burn in hell? Of course that isn’t literal.
How fucking convenient.
If things have gone sour but you think they're on shaky ground, hold your nerve and stay the course. Your future self will thank you for it.
Edit: Lots of debate about whether you are getting fired, laid off, terminated, fired for cause, or whatever. The point is: you don't make your situation better by quitting right before they fire you. Their documentation will be the same: terminated for xyz.
Edit2: The 'severance package' might amount to just securing a supportive reference for your next job.
Even though this view isn't specifically stated by the bible, most Christians assume that God would have to allow Babies/infants into heaven and that it's only when they make a choice not to follow Jesus that they lose this salvation.
These same people are often the same ones who are staunchly against abortion even though by their logic these aborted babies are 100% likely to go to heaven when babies who grow up are not. Surely this is the most efficient way of getting people into heaven.
I also imagine the free will argument will come up (God would prefer us to be able to chose) and to that I would say if he is letting babies in without needing them to make a choice, then it invalidates the entire free will argument as it would require the babies to be somehow less welcome in heaven.
James Harden started off the season not showing up to practices, breaking COVID protocol, going to strip clubs, not communicating to the team, and demanded a trade to the Nets. And what did the Rockets do? Trade him to the Nets.
Kyrie Irving publicly said his team didn’t need a head coach, decided to sit out the last few games because he didn’t feel like playing and didn’t give a reason, broke COVID protocol, communicated with nobody on his team, and what did the Nets do? NOT trade him away, bring a generational talent to the Nets essentially guaranteeing them a place in the Finals, and most likely securing a second ring for Kyrie.
In simple terms, treat your boss and coworkers like shit and they’ll have no choice but to give you what you want. Really eager to use to this tactic for the future 😀
Edit: I really thought I didn’t have to include a /s for this but apparently I do lmao
After a lifetime of being an exterminator, if I had known insects had souls, I would have chosen hell.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.