Gospel According To John

That was in Luke 3:16. Jesus agreed in Luke’s account in Acts 1:5 that He would baptize the disciples “not many days from now” in the Holy Spirit and said nothing derogatory about John. Ten-days later Luke again records in Acts 2:4, the disciples were filled with the Holy Spirit. Note all references by a single author in context. No jumps from author to author and out of context. Promised and fulfilled.

Edit: Bonus - According to Luke again, John also predicted Jesus would baptize in fire which is also fulfilled in Luke’s account in Acts 2.

In Erhman’s The New Testament, box 2.4 indicates that the current earliest and most intact manuscripts of John do not include this story. Does anyone know which manuscripts he might be referring to?

He says that it doesn’t start showing up in widely circulated copies until the ninth century…

18   AFTER THESE WORDS, Jesus went out with his disciples, and crossed    
     the Kedron ravine.  There was a garden there, and he and his disciples    
     went into it.  The place was known to Judas, his betrayer, because Jesus    
     had often met there with his disciples.  So Judas took a detachment of    
     soldiers, and police provided by the chief priests and the Pharisees,   
     equipped with lanterns, torches, and weapons, and made his way to the    
     garden.  Jesus, knowing all that was coming upon him, went out to them   
     and asked, 'Who is it you want?'  'Jesus of Nazareth', they answered.  Jesus   
     said, 'I am he.'  And there stood Judas the traitor with them.  When he said,   
     'I am he', they drew back and fell to the ground.  Again Jesus asked, 'Who   
     is it you want?'  'Jesus of Nazareth', they answered.  Then Jesus said, 'I have   
     told you that I am he.  If I am the man you want, let these others go.'  (This    
     was to make good his words, 'I have not lost one of those whom thou gavest    
     me.')  Thereupon Simon Peter drew the sword he was wearing and struck    
     at the High Priest's servant, cutting off his right ear.  (The servant's name     
     was Malchus.)  Jesus said to Peter, 'Sheathe your sword.  This is the cup    
     the Father has given me; shall I not drink it?'      

     THE TROOPS with their commander, and the Jewish police, now arrested     
     Jesus and secured him.  They took him first to Annas.   Annas was father-   
     in-law of Caiaphas, the High Priest for that year — the same Caiaphas    
     who had advised the Jews that it would be in their interest if one man    
     died for the whole people.  Jesus was followed by Simon Peter and an-    
     other disciple.  The disciple, who was acquainted with the High Priest,   
     went with Jesus into the High Priest's courtyard, but Peter halted at   
     the door outside.  So the other disciple, the High Priest's acquaintance,   
     went out again and spoke to the woman at the door, and brought Peter   
     in.  The maid on duty at the door said to Peter, Are you another of this   
     man's disciples?'  'I am not', he said.  The servants and the police had   
     made a charcoal fire, because it was cold, and were standing round it    
     warming themselves.  And Peter too was st

I've read everything by Christopher Moore, Both of Wong's books, most of Douglas Adams stuff. My last great find was Year Zero by Rob Reid about a plan to destroy earth over a massive debt due to the rest of the universe's love of human music, and the ridiculous fines attached to pirating it.

I am looking for something that will tell me a great story and make me laugh throughout. Tall order?

12   SIX DAYS BEFORE the Passover festival Jesus came to Bethany, where    
     Lazarus lived whom he had raised from the dead.  There a supper was   
     given in his honour, at which Martha served, and Lazarus sat among the  
     guests with Jesus.  Then Mary brought a pound of very costly perfume,  
     pure oil of nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped them with her   
     hair, till the house was filled with the fragrance.  At this, Judas Iscariot, a   
     disciple of his — the one who was to betray him — said, 'Why was this per-   
      fume not sold for three hundred denarii and given to the poor?' He said this, not  
     out of any care for the poor, but because he was a thief; he used to pilfer  
     the money put into the common purse, which was in his charge.  'Leave her    
     alone', said Jesus.  'Let her keep it till the day when she prepares for my   
     burial; for you have the poor among you always, but you will not always   
     have me.'  
        A great number of the Jews heard that he was there, and came not only   
     to see Jesus but also Lazarus whom he had raised from the dead.  The chief  
     priests then resolved to do away with Lazarus as well, since on his account   
     many Jews were going over to Jesus and putting their faith in him.      

     THE NEXT DAY the great body of pilgrims who had come to the festival,   
     hearing that Jesus was on the way to Jerusalem, took palm branches and  
     went out to meet him, shouting, 'Hosanna!  Blessings on him who comes  
     in the name of the Lord!  God bless the king of Israel!'  Jesus found a  
     donkey an mounted it, in accordance with the text of Scripture: 'Fear no    
     more, daughter of Zion; see, your king is coming, mounted on an ass's colt.'  
        At the time his disciples did not understand this, but after Jesus had    
     been glorified they remembered that this had been written about him, and   
     that this had happened to him.  The people who were present when he   
     called Lazarus out of the tomb and raised him from the dead told what they   
     had seen and heard.  That is why the crowd went to meet him; they had    
     heard of this sign that he had performed.  The Pharisees said to one  
     another, 'You see you are doing no good at all; why, all the world has gone   
     after him

1    WHEN  ALL  THINGS  BEGAN, the Word already was.  
     The Word dwelt with God, and what God was, the Word was.  
     The Word, then, was with God at the beginning, and through  
     him all things came to be; no single thing was created without him.  All  
     that came to be was alive with his life, and that life was the light of men.  
     The light shines on in the dark, and the darkness has never mastered it.   
        There appeared a man named John, sent from God; he came as a wit-  
     ness to testify to the light, that all might become believers through him.  
     He was not himself the light; he came to bear witness to the light.  The real  
     light which enlightens every man was even then coming into the world.    
        He was in the world; but the world, though it owed its being to him,  
     did not recognize him.  He entered his own realm, and his own would not  
     receive him.  But to all who did receive him, to those who have yielded to him  
     their allegiance, he gave the right to become children of God, not born of  
     any human stock, or by the fleshly desire of a human father, but the off-  
     spring of God himself.  So the Word became flesh; he came to dwell    
     among us, and we saw his glory, such glory as befits the Father's only Son,  
     full of grace and truth.  
        Here is John's testimony to him: he cried aloud, 'This is the man I  
     meant when I said, "He comes after me, but takes rank before me"; for  
     before I was born, he already was.'  
        Out of his full store we have all received grace upon grace; for while the   
     Law was given through Moses, grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.  
     No one has ever seen God; but God's only Son, he who is nearest to the  
     Father's heart, he has made him known.  
      
     THIS IS THE TESTIMONY which John gave when the Jews of Jerusalem  
     sent a deputation of priests and Levites to ask him who he was.  He con-  
     fessed without reserve and avowed, 'I am not the Messiah.'  'What then?  
     Are you Elijah?'  'No", he replied.  'Are you the prophet we await?'  He  
     answered, 'No.'  'Then who are you?' they asked.  'We must give an answer  
     to those who sent us.  What account do you give of yourself?'  He answered  
     in the words of the prophet Isaiah: 'I am a v